I may not always eliquently, my words are not spelt right all the time and sometimes my blog gets neglected for weeks at a time but one thing is for sure, everything i write is real.

Its been hard lately to pretend, to have patience, to not let everything bother me.

I get jealous when you call your dad for directions i know i shouldnt but i do.

I miss you so much and its not one of those cant eat cant sleep things, it a numb pain that slowly eats away at me for days at a time until i finally break.

When you ask me if im ok and i say yes, with that far away look in my mind im not ok. I say yes because its easier, you cant do anything to help me so why even bother you.

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I get so mad sometimes i just want to punch things. but i dont, i just sulk instead. i am LAME.

THE End.

i feel like i have a giant balance on my back and cant seem to get both sides to be even.

work, school, friends, boyfriend, family STOP pulling me in different directions.

I am constantly tired, and cant seem to focus on anything, i have so much to do but do not want to do any of it. my room is in a constant state of messyness and i feel like my friendships are falling apart. my mom wants me to come home, I want to stay locked in my room. work wants me to start a new project.I have to coach myself to get out of bed. maybe i just need to have some fun, you know forget about all the things that are bothering me. you were the best at that, counting my ribs or going spotlighting always letting me take a break from reality. I am going to visit you soon, and i can not wait. maybe it will help get me back on track, maybe i can finally be at piece. one day, one day.

I feel like no one takes in to conceration that this could still be affecting me. like sara is just being anoying or clingy or abrasive. I am sorry, It is hard to control, i try and catch myself sometimes i want to be alone, othertimes i get scared to be alone.

"i'M not the one who gets swept off her feet"

why not?

I deserve to be swept foff my feet everyonce in a while is that fair?

why cant you understand that i just want you to show some effort, not even as much as you show for UNT> just a little bit.
your promised me roses and i never got them.
and to go golfing.
and to go to love and war restaurant.
and batting cages
and to cook for me.
and to teach me to play tennis.


why cant i get you to follow through on your promises?
if you do something for me why do you insist on bringing it up again like i am supposed to reward you for doing nice things for me.

i want to feel wanted matt i want to feel appreciated.

i just feel alone.

tears
to me, tears are not just an outward sign of being upset, they are the body trying to rid itself of whatever thoughts or ideas that are not happy.I guess i have alot of those lately, since i have alot of tears.

Do i expect people to treat me differeantly? of course not. would i like to feel a little less shoved in a corner? absolutly.

i just want one day of peace, one day of no arguing, no drama, no overthinking things, one day of friends getting along with eachother, one day of no one favoring the other.

maybe ill just go to sleep, ill find that one day in my dreams.

I miss you.

I dont like using that as an excuse, are you ok sara, whats wrong, why isnt she happy....No one understand that there is a litle piece of my heart gone..and the rest of my heart is there but it doesnt work the same now..one day maybe.

whenever i had a bad day, you could tell. i didnt even have to say a word just the look in my eyes that "im trying so hard not to cry" look you would wrap me up and hug me even when i wanted to let you go.
now i dont want to ever let you go, come back to me.

life.

Life can be so simply beautiful.

I miss you. I know i have told you that a million times these past few days.
I try and go on with my day and not let the little things bother me but they do.
I try not to cry myself to sleep every night and i have been very good about it lately.
everything is I. I am a very selfish person.
One of the things that i learned from you is to put others before yourself and i have not done that lately.
it will get better.
when you left me I was mad how could you leave all this mess for us to clean up. I know you are happy now, and that i have my own personal gaurdian angel watching over me.
Thank you.
I love you.
I miss our late night talks over nachos and CSI. how you always said i could never wisk right, my wrist never worked that way. How when i was little iw ould wake up in the morning and go get in bed with you and you would warm my feet up. you always warmed my feet up it didnt matter how cold they were. I loved that abut you.
I will come visit you soon. for your birthday, but will contiune to talk to you every day.
i Think i talk to you more now than before, i hope you dont mind.

I LOVE YOU.
sweet dreams.

Here's a translation of that: people who make themselves indispensable are indispensable.

today was not a bad day

i woke up next to my love after a good nights sleep
I finished my homework at work
got subway
watched tyra got my spanish done
went to class
came home.

why can i not stop crying.

I thought about you alot today, more than I should.

I think that people don't get me. why does she have mood swings
why does she get frustrated easily..etc.


Truth is im almost always on the verge of crying. It takes everything in me every day not to break down into tears.

things that I could blow off before suddenly tear at me and break me down, im now exhausted all the time. I just need someone to sit with me, who will eat dinner in silence and watch tv. someone who will ask how my day was and truly care to listen Even when i break down and cry over no one sitting next to me in class.

I feel like no one can relate to me no one knows how i feel. maybe ill just keep pretending and one day it really will be ok.

maybe.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

where are you...

you said you would always be here for me....why should i have to ask. shoudnt you know.

shouldnt you be trying extra hard to make me happy, since i havent been happy lately?

shouldnt me being short and upset and yelling make you realize something is wrong?

or make you try harder to make me happy?

guess not. point proven.

lover?

I havent seen you very much the past few days

i feel like you dont even care
"ill just stay down here then even if it means not seeing you all day"

please dont fall out of love with me.


i love && need you now more than ever.


please.

stolen.

10 Songs I Really Love
1. closing time-semisonic
2. Freshman- vervepipe
3. you and me- david mathews band
4. yesterday- beatles
5. 3 am- matchbox 20
6. bananna pancakes- Jack johnson
7. bullet proof- matt nathinson
8. smile in your sleep- silverstein
9. hey jude- beatles
10. ok, i beleive you but my tommy gun doesnt- brand new

10 Things That Happened Today
1. i talked to the best
2. Understood my spanish teacher, in spanish
3.homework
4. packing for home
5. lost tom..
6. work.
7. vanilla diet coke
8. whataburger
9. waking up early
10. i miss my daddy

10 Things That Always Make Me Happy
1. Postsecret
2. Vanilla Diet Coke
3. notes
4. suprises
5.ritz, charlie and pineapple
6. Mix CD's
7. taxes (hugs and kisses that is)
8. blowfish.
9. TLC
10. the park

10 of my Favorite Moments from2009
1. matthew.
2. fourth of july weekend with my family
3. my best friend...coming home..
4. going to oaklahoma
5. rice U
6. cruise w/ my family
7. thanksgiving snow
8. cuddling
9. eli young
10. cheescake factory

10 Things I Don't Like At All
1. Wasted Time
2. being ignored
3. ]selfishness
4. death
5. derek jeter
6. throwing someone under the bus
7. impossible classes
8. being left handed
9. My inability to cry in front of others
10. missing my dad.

10 of my favorite ladies (no order)
1. sarah test
2. Amy alderman
3. sarah minton
4. Jamie Bentley
5. katheryn petty
6. Katelyn Osteen
7. Janson Hamilton
8. Alyssa Harris
9. Brittany lindsay
10. amanda alderman

10 boys who always make me laugh
1. Matthew Robert Furay
2. Adam alderman
3. preston cutler
z4. evan cutler
5. johnnny
6. my grandpa
7. ritz. and charlie
8. jeremy wallace
9. drew harrison
10. matthew furay

10 People I Miss Dearly
1. my daddy
2. tristian
3. my uncle JOE
4. sarah test
5. katheryn petty
6.alyssa gross
7. nicole goodley
8. shrek
9. leah wilson
10. myself sometimes..

.10 Wishes
1. Love for always
2. 4.o
3. internship/job security
4. children- after marriage w/ al oving husband
5. a puppy
6. a hammock to read on
7. a day where i dont have to lift a finger
8. late night conversations
9. to be a kid again ( at least for a day)
10. to be confident

10 Random Facts about Me
1. I love quotes.
2. when i am upset i want to be alone.
3. I have afear of being pulled over, but i still drive fast
4. I'm scared you wont be around forever
5. I miss my dad more than i could ever imagine
.6. I am not ok, but am getting there hopefully
7. I have big big dreams
8. I consistently feel inadequate
9. I feel like i give more than i take in every relationship i have.
10. I dont know whati would do without you.

I am determined to get a 4.0 this semester, sorry if you get neglected bloggg.

lover.

my family is falling apart

without you.


i miss you more and more each day. i think everyone does.

mom misses having someone to tell her it is going to be ok, to fix everything that goes wrong and to complain to about us

adam is just pissy, i think because he is now the man of the family he has this added responsibility and Can longer me just a kid.

i miss having you to engulf me in your arms, to tell adam to stop being mean. i miss your cooking i miss watching csi with you i miss the way you always knew when something was wrong.

my support system is gone. no one asks if im ok, no one is there when i just want to cry. my mom is mad at me for some reason, adam is mad at me for complaining to him, thats what a brother is for.
the whole time all i want is my family to be there for me, instead i am distancing myself from them or vice versa.

what am i supposed to do now.







dear "sister"

why wont you let me talk to you.
why do you not care.
what would i say to you if i had the chance.
do i want to find you.
how could you leave
and stay gone.

im sorry

I dont know how im supposed to act anymore. I am sad your gone, but i feel like its for selfish reasons. im sad you are no longer my go-to person for cooking, my car, anything about animals or the outdoors. im sad that you wont get to see your kids be successful in life. Im sad that you wont get to walk me down the aisle, or dance with me at my wedding. im sad that my kids will not know their grandfather. i am sad that my mom has to do so much now.

i am not sad because i think you are happy up there.

Im sorry, Im sorry that i didnt spend more time with you. Im sorry you lived by yourself. im sorry you were always tired and getting sick. Im sorry you had to be cut open,but your tissues will be saving lives.

i get sad sometimes,being around alot of people all of a sudden scares me. i dont like to talk as much and i get frustrated with things that used to unphase me. im hoping this is just how i am dealing with this, that its not a permanent thing. I dont want to scare off the people closest to me, but at the same time i appreciate being alone more too.