I may not always eliquently, my words are not spelt right all the time and sometimes my blog gets neglected for weeks at a time but one thing is for sure, everything i write is real.

Its been hard lately to pretend, to have patience, to not let everything bother me.

I get jealous when you call your dad for directions i know i shouldnt but i do.

I miss you so much and its not one of those cant eat cant sleep things, it a numb pain that slowly eats away at me for days at a time until i finally break.

When you ask me if im ok and i say yes, with that far away look in my mind im not ok. I say yes because its easier, you cant do anything to help me so why even bother you.

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I get so mad sometimes i just want to punch things. but i dont, i just sulk instead. i am LAME.

THE End.

i feel like i have a giant balance on my back and cant seem to get both sides to be even.

work, school, friends, boyfriend, family STOP pulling me in different directions.

I am constantly tired, and cant seem to focus on anything, i have so much to do but do not want to do any of it. my room is in a constant state of messyness and i feel like my friendships are falling apart. my mom wants me to come home, I want to stay locked in my room. work wants me to start a new project.I have to coach myself to get out of bed. maybe i just need to have some fun, you know forget about all the things that are bothering me. you were the best at that, counting my ribs or going spotlighting always letting me take a break from reality. I am going to visit you soon, and i can not wait. maybe it will help get me back on track, maybe i can finally be at piece. one day, one day.

I feel like no one takes in to conceration that this could still be affecting me. like sara is just being anoying or clingy or abrasive. I am sorry, It is hard to control, i try and catch myself sometimes i want to be alone, othertimes i get scared to be alone.

"i'M not the one who gets swept off her feet"

why not?

I deserve to be swept foff my feet everyonce in a while is that fair?

why cant you understand that i just want you to show some effort, not even as much as you show for UNT> just a little bit.
your promised me roses and i never got them.
and to go golfing.
and to go to love and war restaurant.
and batting cages
and to cook for me.
and to teach me to play tennis.


why cant i get you to follow through on your promises?
if you do something for me why do you insist on bringing it up again like i am supposed to reward you for doing nice things for me.

i want to feel wanted matt i want to feel appreciated.

i just feel alone.

tears
to me, tears are not just an outward sign of being upset, they are the body trying to rid itself of whatever thoughts or ideas that are not happy.I guess i have alot of those lately, since i have alot of tears.

Do i expect people to treat me differeantly? of course not. would i like to feel a little less shoved in a corner? absolutly.

i just want one day of peace, one day of no arguing, no drama, no overthinking things, one day of friends getting along with eachother, one day of no one favoring the other.

maybe ill just go to sleep, ill find that one day in my dreams.

I miss you.

I dont like using that as an excuse, are you ok sara, whats wrong, why isnt she happy....No one understand that there is a litle piece of my heart gone..and the rest of my heart is there but it doesnt work the same now..one day maybe.

whenever i had a bad day, you could tell. i didnt even have to say a word just the look in my eyes that "im trying so hard not to cry" look you would wrap me up and hug me even when i wanted to let you go.
now i dont want to ever let you go, come back to me.

life.

Life can be so simply beautiful.

I miss you. I know i have told you that a million times these past few days.
I try and go on with my day and not let the little things bother me but they do.
I try not to cry myself to sleep every night and i have been very good about it lately.
everything is I. I am a very selfish person.
One of the things that i learned from you is to put others before yourself and i have not done that lately.
it will get better.
when you left me I was mad how could you leave all this mess for us to clean up. I know you are happy now, and that i have my own personal gaurdian angel watching over me.
Thank you.
I love you.
I miss our late night talks over nachos and CSI. how you always said i could never wisk right, my wrist never worked that way. How when i was little iw ould wake up in the morning and go get in bed with you and you would warm my feet up. you always warmed my feet up it didnt matter how cold they were. I loved that abut you.
I will come visit you soon. for your birthday, but will contiune to talk to you every day.
i Think i talk to you more now than before, i hope you dont mind.

I LOVE YOU.
sweet dreams.

Here's a translation of that: people who make themselves indispensable are indispensable.