today was not a bad day
i woke up next to my love after a good nights sleep
I finished my homework at work
got subway
watched tyra got my spanish done
went to class
came home.
why can i not stop crying.
Monday, January 25, 2010
I thought about you alot today, more than I should.
I think that people don't get me. why does she have mood swings
why does she get frustrated easily..etc.
Truth is im almost always on the verge of crying. It takes everything in me every day not to break down into tears.
things that I could blow off before suddenly tear at me and break me down, im now exhausted all the time. I just need someone to sit with me, who will eat dinner in silence and watch tv. someone who will ask how my day was and truly care to listen Even when i break down and cry over no one sitting next to me in class.
I feel like no one can relate to me no one knows how i feel. maybe ill just keep pretending and one day it really will be ok.
maybe.
I think that people don't get me. why does she have mood swings
why does she get frustrated easily..etc.
Truth is im almost always on the verge of crying. It takes everything in me every day not to break down into tears.
things that I could blow off before suddenly tear at me and break me down, im now exhausted all the time. I just need someone to sit with me, who will eat dinner in silence and watch tv. someone who will ask how my day was and truly care to listen Even when i break down and cry over no one sitting next to me in class.
I feel like no one can relate to me no one knows how i feel. maybe ill just keep pretending and one day it really will be ok.
maybe.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
where are you...
you said you would always be here for me....why should i have to ask. shoudnt you know.
shouldnt you be trying extra hard to make me happy, since i havent been happy lately?
shouldnt me being short and upset and yelling make you realize something is wrong?
or make you try harder to make me happy?
guess not. point proven.
where are you...
you said you would always be here for me....why should i have to ask. shoudnt you know.
shouldnt you be trying extra hard to make me happy, since i havent been happy lately?
shouldnt me being short and upset and yelling make you realize something is wrong?
or make you try harder to make me happy?
guess not. point proven.
lover?
I havent seen you very much the past few days
i feel like you dont even care
"ill just stay down here then even if it means not seeing you all day"
please dont fall out of love with me.
i love && need you now more than ever.
please.
i feel like you dont even care
"ill just stay down here then even if it means not seeing you all day"
please dont fall out of love with me.
i love && need you now more than ever.
please.
stolen.
10 Songs I Really Love
1. closing time-semisonic
2. Freshman- vervepipe
3. you and me- david mathews band
4. yesterday- beatles
5. 3 am- matchbox 20
6. bananna pancakes- Jack johnson
7. bullet proof- matt nathinson
8. smile in your sleep- silverstein
9. hey jude- beatles
10. ok, i beleive you but my tommy gun doesnt- brand new
10 Things That Happened Today
1. i talked to the best
2. Understood my spanish teacher, in spanish
3.homework
4. packing for home
5. lost tom..
6. work.
7. vanilla diet coke
8. whataburger
9. waking up early
10. i miss my daddy
10 Things That Always Make Me Happy
1. Postsecret
2. Vanilla Diet Coke
3. notes
4. suprises
5.ritz, charlie and pineapple
6. Mix CD's
7. taxes (hugs and kisses that is)
8. blowfish.
9. TLC
10. the park
10 of my Favorite Moments from2009
1. matthew.
2. fourth of july weekend with my family
3. my best friend...coming home..
4. going to oaklahoma
5. rice U
6. cruise w/ my family
7. thanksgiving snow
8. cuddling
9. eli young
10. cheescake factory
10 Things I Don't Like At All
1. Wasted Time
2. being ignored
3. ]selfishness
4. death
5. derek jeter
6. throwing someone under the bus
7. impossible classes
8. being left handed
9. My inability to cry in front of others
10. missing my dad.
10 of my favorite ladies (no order)
1. sarah test
2. Amy alderman
3. sarah minton
4. Jamie Bentley
5. katheryn petty
6. Katelyn Osteen
7. Janson Hamilton
8. Alyssa Harris
9. Brittany lindsay
10. amanda alderman
10 boys who always make me laugh
1. Matthew Robert Furay
2. Adam alderman
3. preston cutler
z4. evan cutler
5. johnnny
6. my grandpa
7. ritz. and charlie
8. jeremy wallace
9. drew harrison
10. matthew furay
10 People I Miss Dearly
1. my daddy
2. tristian
3. my uncle JOE
4. sarah test
5. katheryn petty
6.alyssa gross
7. nicole goodley
8. shrek
9. leah wilson
10. myself sometimes..
.10 Wishes
1. Love for always
2. 4.o
3. internship/job security
4. children- after marriage w/ al oving husband
5. a puppy
6. a hammock to read on
7. a day where i dont have to lift a finger
8. late night conversations
9. to be a kid again ( at least for a day)
10. to be confident
10 Random Facts about Me
1. I love quotes.
2. when i am upset i want to be alone.
3. I have afear of being pulled over, but i still drive fast
4. I'm scared you wont be around forever
5. I miss my dad more than i could ever imagine
.6. I am not ok, but am getting there hopefully
7. I have big big dreams
8. I consistently feel inadequate
9. I feel like i give more than i take in every relationship i have.
10. I dont know whati would do without you.
1. closing time-semisonic
2. Freshman- vervepipe
3. you and me- david mathews band
4. yesterday- beatles
5. 3 am- matchbox 20
6. bananna pancakes- Jack johnson
7. bullet proof- matt nathinson
8. smile in your sleep- silverstein
9. hey jude- beatles
10. ok, i beleive you but my tommy gun doesnt- brand new
10 Things That Happened Today
1. i talked to the best
2. Understood my spanish teacher, in spanish
3.homework
4. packing for home
5. lost tom..
6. work.
7. vanilla diet coke
8. whataburger
9. waking up early
10. i miss my daddy
10 Things That Always Make Me Happy
1. Postsecret
2. Vanilla Diet Coke
3. notes
4. suprises
5.ritz, charlie and pineapple
6. Mix CD's
7. taxes (hugs and kisses that is)
8. blowfish.
9. TLC
10. the park
10 of my Favorite Moments from2009
1. matthew.
2. fourth of july weekend with my family
3. my best friend...coming home..
4. going to oaklahoma
5. rice U
6. cruise w/ my family
7. thanksgiving snow
8. cuddling
9. eli young
10. cheescake factory
10 Things I Don't Like At All
1. Wasted Time
2. being ignored
3. ]selfishness
4. death
5. derek jeter
6. throwing someone under the bus
7. impossible classes
8. being left handed
9. My inability to cry in front of others
10. missing my dad.
10 of my favorite ladies (no order)
1. sarah test
2. Amy alderman
3. sarah minton
4. Jamie Bentley
5. katheryn petty
6. Katelyn Osteen
7. Janson Hamilton
8. Alyssa Harris
9. Brittany lindsay
10. amanda alderman
10 boys who always make me laugh
1. Matthew Robert Furay
2. Adam alderman
3. preston cutler
z4. evan cutler
5. johnnny
6. my grandpa
7. ritz. and charlie
8. jeremy wallace
9. drew harrison
10. matthew furay
10 People I Miss Dearly
1. my daddy
2. tristian
3. my uncle JOE
4. sarah test
5. katheryn petty
6.alyssa gross
7. nicole goodley
8. shrek
9. leah wilson
10. myself sometimes..
.10 Wishes
1. Love for always
2. 4.o
3. internship/job security
4. children- after marriage w/ al oving husband
5. a puppy
6. a hammock to read on
7. a day where i dont have to lift a finger
8. late night conversations
9. to be a kid again ( at least for a day)
10. to be confident
10 Random Facts about Me
1. I love quotes.
2. when i am upset i want to be alone.
3. I have afear of being pulled over, but i still drive fast
4. I'm scared you wont be around forever
5. I miss my dad more than i could ever imagine
.6. I am not ok, but am getting there hopefully
7. I have big big dreams
8. I consistently feel inadequate
9. I feel like i give more than i take in every relationship i have.
10. I dont know whati would do without you.
Monday, January 11, 2010
my family is falling apart
without you.
i miss you more and more each day. i think everyone does.
mom misses having someone to tell her it is going to be ok, to fix everything that goes wrong and to complain to about us
adam is just pissy, i think because he is now the man of the family he has this added responsibility and Can longer me just a kid.
i miss having you to engulf me in your arms, to tell adam to stop being mean. i miss your cooking i miss watching csi with you i miss the way you always knew when something was wrong.
my support system is gone. no one asks if im ok, no one is there when i just want to cry. my mom is mad at me for some reason, adam is mad at me for complaining to him, thats what a brother is for.
the whole time all i want is my family to be there for me, instead i am distancing myself from them or vice versa.
what am i supposed to do now.
dear "sister"
why wont you let me talk to you.
why do you not care.
what would i say to you if i had the chance.
do i want to find you.
how could you leave
and stay gone.
i miss you more and more each day. i think everyone does.
mom misses having someone to tell her it is going to be ok, to fix everything that goes wrong and to complain to about us
adam is just pissy, i think because he is now the man of the family he has this added responsibility and Can longer me just a kid.
i miss having you to engulf me in your arms, to tell adam to stop being mean. i miss your cooking i miss watching csi with you i miss the way you always knew when something was wrong.
my support system is gone. no one asks if im ok, no one is there when i just want to cry. my mom is mad at me for some reason, adam is mad at me for complaining to him, thats what a brother is for.
the whole time all i want is my family to be there for me, instead i am distancing myself from them or vice versa.
what am i supposed to do now.
dear "sister"
why wont you let me talk to you.
why do you not care.
what would i say to you if i had the chance.
do i want to find you.
how could you leave
and stay gone.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
im sorry
I dont know how im supposed to act anymore. I am sad your gone, but i feel like its for selfish reasons. im sad you are no longer my go-to person for cooking, my car, anything about animals or the outdoors. im sad that you wont get to see your kids be successful in life. Im sad that you wont get to walk me down the aisle, or dance with me at my wedding. im sad that my kids will not know their grandfather. i am sad that my mom has to do so much now.
i am not sad because i think you are happy up there.
Im sorry, Im sorry that i didnt spend more time with you. Im sorry you lived by yourself. im sorry you were always tired and getting sick. Im sorry you had to be cut open,but your tissues will be saving lives.
i get sad sometimes,being around alot of people all of a sudden scares me. i dont like to talk as much and i get frustrated with things that used to unphase me. im hoping this is just how i am dealing with this, that its not a permanent thing. I dont want to scare off the people closest to me, but at the same time i appreciate being alone more too.
i am not sad because i think you are happy up there.
Im sorry, Im sorry that i didnt spend more time with you. Im sorry you lived by yourself. im sorry you were always tired and getting sick. Im sorry you had to be cut open,but your tissues will be saving lives.
i get sad sometimes,being around alot of people all of a sudden scares me. i dont like to talk as much and i get frustrated with things that used to unphase me. im hoping this is just how i am dealing with this, that its not a permanent thing. I dont want to scare off the people closest to me, but at the same time i appreciate being alone more too.
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